Star Fox: Anagrammatism
by munkyboywndr
Summary: Andross takes over the Lylat System again, but the iced coffee vendor can't break a fifty. Starfox tries to pull itself together, but is too busy. Rated M for language, etc., and lime. Fox/Falco, Falco/Slippy, Wolf/Leon, Andross/Andross, etc.
1. No Iced Coffee for Andross

Corneria.

It's a beautiful evening in the only planet that seems capable of suitably supporting life here in the Lylat System: the sky is perpetually bright blue, the various flashing polygons are going home from work, and the thirteen suns are all setting at once. It is a moment to be enjoyed by all. Nay, not by all, but rather by all but one: one named Andross. The floating head of doom and evil, as it were, is plotting another shenanigan, and expects his greatest foes to pick up the mess.

Yes, he summons his armies and his tanks to the surface of the planet of Corneria, and these military forces land with the grace of a part-timing employee who has been with the company for about four months and knows the ropes. For indeed, these gnat-shaped starcraft, these small tanks, and these giant robots have all been through this mission before: twice, in fact. "We're going to take over the universe again, huh," says an old-timing giant robot.

"Yeah. Shit," says a gnat-shaped starship next to him. "Any minute now, Star Fox is gonna show up and shoot me in the eye again. Fuck." Clearly, this is something that Andross has not prepared for, despite it being his third invasion. The invasive atmosphere is something that even the people of the otherwise lovely Corneria are well-accustomed to, and the street vendors begin selling lemonades and rugs and other local wares to the Andross Militia.

As Andross himself comes down from his high horse to get a sip of the widely-renowned Cornerian iced coffee, he barks a quick-witted retort to his sarcastic invasionary forces, "Shut the hell up, you stupid whores." He fumbles in his wallet for a five but can only find a fifty.

"Sorry, buddy—I don't got change. Unless you want twenty cups, no can do," says that vendor.

Andross mumbles some other-worldly curse words and turns back to vent some now-pent up rage on his subordinates. "As long as you fuckers don't fuck anything up, I'm not going to have to cancel my plans to build a summer home on Fichina." He pulls a cigarette out and attempts to light it while he utters a few more profanities under his breath about tardiness to drill practice.


	2. Pigma, why!

"Fox! Come in, Star Fox!" The voice of a man who has, too many times, forgotten to brush his teeth, comes in over the radio's playing of the song _The Great Beyond_ by REM. It echoes throughout the empty cabin: General Pepper is calling at a bad time.

Indeed, Star Fox is anything but paying attention to his intercom. Rather, he is in the back, having a pudding pop with ROB64. It is delicious.

"Fox! Star Fox! We need your help, Star Fox!" Pepper is tenacious, and won't take a pudding pop for a "no." His toothless voice echoes throughout the ship and finally it catches ROB's attention.

"General Pepper is on the line. He needs our help." The little robot is all work and no play.

Fox sticks his pop almost halfway down his throat before he comes back up for air. The chocolatey goodness is almost enough to make him cry, especially after losing his one true love to the vast expanse that is deep space. "Pigma!" he exalts, spraying ROB's face with chocolate mixed with saliva. "Why did you have to go?!" Pigma 'had to go' because he had succumbed easily to the will of an evil insect race known as the Aparoids, and sold his soul for the last vinyl of Michael Jackson's _Thriller_ album. When the music became too much for him, Fox personally had to blow him away. He would never admit this aloud, however, because it made his unrequited love for Pigma moot, in his opinion. Fox chose to live a lie in which he envisioned Pigma on the verge of confessing his undying love for Fox before his shit was eaten alive by Aparoid ships. "CURSE YOU, APAROOOIIIIIIID-D-D-DSSSSS...!!" he exclaims, dropping to his knees.

"Projecting message from General Pepper onto wall," ROB announced before doing so. The toothless face of General Pepper is barely tolerable, and Fox has to take a moment to adjust.

"Fox!" yells Pepper, clearly on the edge of his seat in the hopes of a 'yes, we'll save your asses for the third time, you stupid whore.' "We need--"

"Wait!" interrupts Fox, who has to close his eyes for a second and imagine that he is talking to someone who has much better dental hygiene. Setting his mind thus, he finally looks Pepper in the eye. "I am ready," he says, eye twitching.

"We need your help, Star Fox!" Pepper repeats for the umpteenth time, but he doesn't care how many times he has to say it because he had no family at home, nobody to love, and nobody to love him in return. He has all the time in the world to implore and beg. "Andross has taken over the Lylat System yet again!"

"How did this shit happen again?!" Fox yells in a most disturbing tone and volume. Clearly, he has had enough of Andross and his men. "It's because of missions like these that I lose my... my..." Fox fakes a tear-spasm, but really, he has just forgotten what he means to say.

"Star Fox!" exclaims General Pepper again. He seems intent on getting Fox to agree to this mission again. "Please!!"

"Fine!" yells Fox again. "But I'll need a little while; my team and I have broken up again."

"I see," says Pepper. "Take all the time you need. But hurry! You've only got three days before Andross begins the mass executions again!"

"Fuckin' Andross again, eh?" says Fox before turning the message off, which leaves Pepper staring at a blank screen, wondering if perhaps Fox is angry with him, or maybe if Fox is going to blow him off. "Well," says Fox, stand up at last. "Time to call the old gang."


	3. Sector G

_Sector X._

In the middle of the nebulous mass of nebulas is a new space station. It continually rotates, but constantly appears to be a curved tube. In it, bright lights and loud music are easily distinguishable as the window panels constantly display a brilliant array of neon flashes, and fashionably-dressed people are jumping about in a rhythmic way. This place is known simply as "Sector G."

It's a new dancing and bar establishment which Star Wolf has started. The bright lights, thudding music, readily-available alcohol (some of which is deemed illegal), and the all-male atmosphere is the latest trend, and perhaps it's because about 70% of the Cornerian Starfleet is here that Corneria has fallen so easily to Andross'es forces. But news of the invasion is all but ignored by the regulars at this bar, and hardly any leave to go help their home world defend itself.

One of these men is Falco Lombardi, the apparently Italian blue bird man who used to pilot for Star Fox, but since had quit the team to look for bigger thrills and amusements. He hunches over the bar, however, with the air of a man who has seen too much. "Barkeep," Falco moans, and the dog-faced, tuxedo-wearing barkeeper shuffles over with an empty glass in one hand, and begins to wipe the inside of it with a damp cloth.

"Yo," says that barkeep.

"Is it... bad... to drink if you're pregnant?" Falco rasps, tired from a long night dancing.

"Hell," says that barkeep, "if drinkin' stops ye from killin' y'sef, ah reckon thet drinkin's th'best thin' fo'yeh." He pours a tall glass of rum for Falco and slides the mug toward the bird. "Drink ep, y'ole fool."

Falco lazily grasps the glass, pondering just what he should do with his life. He considers the terminal experience that is flying as a pilot for an intergalactic ace pilot organization like Star Fox, weighs it in comparison to the everlasting beauty that is his lover's relationship with him, and then wonders if maybe there is something else to life. "Fuck it," he growls, and downs the entire mug of rum in a single gulp.

"Falco!" yells an annoyingly high-pitched falsetto voice from beyond the dance floor. The bird slowly turns to see who it is, half-passed out from heavy alcohol consumption, and notes with a small twinge of pleasure and a larger wave of fear that it is his lover, Slippy Toad. "What the fuck are you doin' here again?! Christ!! I've been worried sick ever since I saw you here two seconds ago!!" Slippy's voice is that of a boy who has inhaled far too much helium and has had far too little sex. Falco is pregnant because he sympathized with the frog mechanic, but was disappointed to discover that even getting laid doesn't lower Slippy's voice even half an octave, but rather makes him both violent and needy at the same time.

"What?" Falco implores Slippy with his eyes, but the latter suddenly takes notice of a large man in the corner and waddles off to check him out. "Ah, shit. I did it again. I can never seem to talk with that man." He begins to cry, because of just how hopeless this situation is becoming. "I need a father for my baby, but—"

The lamentation of Falco's hopeless life is interrupted by his old high school boyfriend all of a sudden, Fox McCloud! "Falco, you shithead, what the fuck are you doing here?" Fox's voice, despite being frayed with irritation at not being able to immediately find a parking spot in this blasted dance club, is like the siren of an angel to the bird. Falco is overjoyed to see him, and indeed leaps to his feet and rushes over to give Fox a hug that would hopefully make him love again.

"Fox! Fox, you came back for me!" Falco sobs a waterfall of sobs, and Fox immediately wishes that he had chosen to look for Peppy first. "He's been horrible! And I need a new daddy for the baby and I want to fly again and I need money and rum tastes like shit and—"

"Wait, what?" Fox heard 'baby' in there somewhere.

"Fox, I'm just so happy to see you. Can we go?" Falco's voice is imploring, and Fox doesn't like these dance clubs because he always gets mugged whenever he goes to them.

"Fine, whatever," says Fox, and they hurriedly vacate the premises.

"Do you want me to fly for you again, Star Fox?" says Falco, his mind aflutter with fantasies about seducing his ex-boyfriend, eloping to Venom for a quick cruise, and then living out the rest of their lives in peace together maybe on a houseboat or something.

Fox answers, "Anything's better than getting mugged." Falco has to agree, and they make their way onboard the Great Fox.


	4. Fox runs over Sector Y

_Sector Y_

Imagine a music so bad it makes you want to start beating children. Yes, this is the tune from _Law and Order: Sector Y._ It plays continuously in this quadrant and the people who live here hate that show. It only gets about 3% ratings, and there are only about thirty people living in the entire sector. But that one person who does watch the show is also the producer, lead actor, supporting actor, lead actress, director of the show, and mayor of the sector, and so he passed a bill that played the theme from the show over and over in the hopes that it would eventually be so commonplace that his civilians would grow to like it.

Enter the Great Fox, in which Falco is having hot flashes and hunger cravings for boiled zsing chzinn quasi-duck loaf, a delicacy from just this area. "Thanks for taking me here, Fox. I really want some of that duck loaf," says Falco, on the edge of his seat. He has been frequently glancing at the door in the hopes that by doing so, the Great Fox will be accelerated significantly.

"Yeah, no problem, Falco. Listen, we need to start looking for Peppy and Slippy. Corneria's been invaded again by Andross," Fox sighs an irritated sigh and downs his fourteenth beer in the past fifteen minutes. It always amazed Falco how much his ex-boyfriend could drink. Sometimes, when he was also drunk, he liked to imagine that Fox was getting drunk in a depressed attempt to relive the days of his long since romance with Falco. "Do you know where either of them might be?"

"Slippy is a horrible, horrible man who needs to go to therapy before he ever gets into a relationship again. He beats me and talks badly of me and I'm beginning to think that he's going to make a bad role model for the baby. Oh, here, we can stop at this Y-Mart," Falco jubilates happily as the Great Fox pulls into a parking lot. Before Fox can ask about what Falco meant by 'baby,' He. Is. Off!

"There appears to be something on the radar. I mean, your mind, Fox," says ROB.

"No, ROB, I'm just thinking. What does Falco mean when he says that Slippy beats him and talks badly of him? And just what does he mean when he says that he would make a bad role model for his... did he say 'baby?'" Fox scratches his chin like a man who is trying to appear cool in front of some kids who will never, because the kid's about twelve years old and will therefore think nothing is cool except for Pokemon or some shitty kid fad like that.

"Would you like me to play the conversation back for you verbatim, Fox?" ROB is clearly a helpful individual, but Fox has grown so accustomed to taking the robot for granted that he ignores him altogether as Falco reenters the Great Fox with a few bags full of food.

"Fuck. Got enough duck there, Elmer?"

"The fuck does that even mean? Just drive. Don't we have to find Peppy?" Falco drops all the bags on the dashboard, which would ordinarily make it impossible to pilot the Great Fox, but Fox is driving, so it doesn't matter. Fox turns the ship around and they cruise down Main Boulevard. "Ooh, look at all the shops! I bet they've got all kinds of neat little knick-knacks that would be perfect for decorating the Great Fox."

"Yeah, whatever, Falco. Listen. Do you know where Peppy or Slippy might be?" Fox is not to be dissuaded.

"Slippy is a horrible, horrible man. But Peppy, I believe, is on vacation somewhere. Didn't he promise to retire after we blew those stupid Aparoid pieces of shit away?" Falco noms down an entire duck.

Fox almost becomes catatonic at the mention of the Aparoids. "Pig... ma...?" he moans, clutching his head, letting go of the steering wheel. The Great Fox begins to careen throughout traffic, cutting several people off, but it's space. Seriously, just fly around him.

"The Great Fox has just committed sixteen traffic crimes in this area," ROB warns Fox, but the latter is not-a-vail-a-ble.

"Oh, right. Ix-nay on the roid-apay," Falco murmurs, watching Fox curl into the fetal position with amusement. Meanwhile, the Great Fox runs over an oil tanker, which causes it to burst into flames. This is weird to think about, since they're still in space, and fire can't exist in a place without air, but whatever. The oil tanker crashes into a propane store, which causes the entire thing to explode in a crowd-pleasing fireball.

"Sector Y has been destroyed," ROB announces for no one.

"Fox? Fox, I think Peppy said that he was on Sauria. You know, that gay-ass dinosaur planet where you met Crystal," Falco cocks his head to one side, trying to appear sympathetic to Fox's loss.

"Right," Fox says. "Crystal. Sympathy sex. Let's go," he turns the Great Fox around. Ordinarily, he would've been pulled over for doing so much damage, but all the police forces are still being held in captivity by Andross'es forces, remember?


	5. Peppy ostracizes Sauria

_Sauria_

Open scene on a jungle planet where apparently, the meteor that killed our own immensely-large lizards has not struck here yet. Two such oversized reptilians have taken refuge under the cover of a few larger trees from the light rainstorm that is passing through. One leans against the tree, holds up a silver flask, and takes a swig.

"Hey, Joe. Did you finish that labor report for Carl yet?" One of the dinosaurs is wearing a tie.

"Not yet, Mike. Still on my coffee break. Carl can wait. Hey, you catch the game last night?" Joe is not wearing a tie, but is wearing a nicer collared shirt.

"Which one? I saw the Dinosaurs and the Dinosaurs, and then I also saw the Dinosaurs and the Dinosaurs," Mike sips some more iced coffee from his flask.

"The Dinos and the Rexes, man!" Joe looks enviously at Mike's iced coffee.

"Dude! I thought they were tonight! Oh, well, I was with the wife last night. We went rug shopping," Mike idly sips his iced coffee again, and notices Joe lick his lips with jealousy as he does so. He has had full awareness that Joe loves iced coffee, and has even brought his own flask of the stuff from home today just to drink it in front of him. This is in retaliation to his own belief that Joe may have slept with—or was at least hitting on at the BBQ party last weekend—his wife. Because Joe is on a diet—a diet that will make him more physically attractive for Carol, the secretary—Joe can therefore not drink anything aside from that nasty canned "zero-calorie" green tea, and iced water. The mere sight of anything that has calories is delectable to Joe, and Mike knows it. _Oh, revenge is sweet_, he thinks. Yes, Mike, it is.

All of a sudden, a golf cart zips up to the two chatting Dinosaurs. It is Peppy Hare, the retired hare from the legendary team Star Fox, which had previously saved their civilization twice. As a result, all of the citizens of the planet are expected—on pain of being called ungrateful assholes by their peers behind their backs—to show Peppy great respect and include him in whatever conversations or activities they might be having or doing whenever he approaches. This was proving difficult, however, as Peppy is nearing his twilight years and is slipping into dementia.

"Howdy, boys! I see you're playing that game of strategy, marbles!" Peppy whistles loudly between his teeth. His denture fluid is smelly, and both Mike and Joe forget immediately what they had actually been doing, and play along with the Hare. Neither dinosaur is playing with any said marbles.

"That... that's right, Peps," Mike says, trying not to stare at the liver spots on Peppy's face.

"Peps!!" yells Peppy with such sudden volume and enthusiasm that the birds in the nearby trees screech unpleasantly and fly away. "I like it!! Where do you kids come up with these things?!" He is a loud, obnoxious fellow, Joe thinks. Yes, Joe, he is.

"Heeey, Peppy. Have you taken your meds today? You seem a little—" Mike foolishly remarks upon Peppy's old age, which launches the old rabbit into a delirium.

"YOU'VE GOT ENEMIES ON YOUR TAIL. TRY A SOMERSAULT, (^)" he yells quite loudly, drawing the attention of a few passerby dinosaurs and also Carol, the secretary. A few grumble about how rude Mike and Joe must be, which causes both of them to blush deeply scarlet and stop talking. Peppy, unaware not only that he has spurted loud nonsense but that he is also not being answered, calms down and sips some mocha frappuccino, which Joe eyes enviously.

At this moment, the Great Fox rolls into view from the sky, descending about a hundred feet from Peppy, Mike, and Joe. The hatch opens, and Falco is off to the lavatories. A moment later, Fox comes out to pay the parking fee. "Peppy!" Fox calls in greeting. "Long time no see!"

"Eh?!" Peppy yells at Fox, clearly not recognizing his old comrade. However, the resemblance that Fox draws with his nostalgic quotations throws the poor old coot into another delirium. "Pigma? Pigma!!"

This throws Fox into a catatonic state again, and he curls into a fetal position while mumbling incoherently, babbling about rejection, high school prom, and maybe renting a nicer suit than the old one that his mom is giving him from the back of her closet. "But Moooom! Plaid suits went out with the 30's!"

"Sl-Sli... Slippy. You fool. Fal... Fox!! USE BOMBS WISELY," he yells, causing a scene. The sheer volume of his voice awakens Fox from his stupor and causes the latter to stand up in surprise.

"Peppy?" Fox eyes the now silent and wary dinosaurs and turns to Peppy. _What was I doing just now_, thinks Fox. He waves a hand in front of Peppy's face, not understanding why his father's friend is not as quick on the uptake as he used to be. As he mulls thus over for a moment, he notices how great the graphics are here. _ Golly. Everything's so detailed... yet colorful. Like... like you've gotten a new television, but—_Fox's internal monologue is broken by a sudden hacking cough from Peppy, who has a condition not covered by the Sauria Official Health International Care 'n Cure Ultimate Plan (SO HICCUP). As a result, his summer cold is terminal.

"You're gonna hafta speak up, sonny!" yells the now out-of-breath Peppy Hare, who whaps his cane on Fox's shin. Mike and Joe subtly take their leave at this point, deciding that now is as good a time as any to get back to work. "I'm almost totally deaf in both my ears _and_ my eyes!" From a speaker mounted in the tree above them, _Kiss Me_ by Natalie Imbruglia begins to play.

"What'd I miss?" Falco, colon recently evacuated, is ready for an adventure.

"Peppy's confused," Fox groans, and as Peppy moves to get back into his golf cart, he accidentally trips and lands on the hood of the vehicle. "He hurt himself in his confusion." Fox moves to help the old rabbit up. "C'mon, old friend. Let's go beat Andross again."

"What's that you say?!" Peppy yells thus in Fox's ear, spraying the latter with horrible-smelling spittle. "I'm mostly deaf!" he adds, as if we already did not know.

"Let's just get out of here before that ass clown, Tricky, gets here," Falco murmurs, hugging himself as a shiver runs down his spine. Slowly, they manage to coax Peppy onto the Great Fox, where he begins to yell and tell them stories of his boyhood in the nineties.

As the Great Fox begins to lift off, Peppy yells quite loudly, "DO A BARREL ROLL!!" Fox almost doesn't, but because the Hare has a metal cane and is rapping Fox's leg with it, he obliges. The Great Fox causes a small windstorm because of its proximity to the planet surface. Not wanting to cause any more damage, he guns the engines to send the mothership into deep space.


	6. Crystal is a smelly fool

_Zoness_

The Great Fox busts in through the smoggy atmosphere of the junkyard planet like a teenage pregnancy in a lower-middle class family, shocking all despite the fact that everybody was pretty sure that it was bound to happen anyway. The Fox idles for a moment above a larger cluster of garbage while the team, almost completely reassembled, deliberates where to look for the next of their number. "So you said that Slippy was here, right?" Fox is transfixed on getting his Toad back in the garage where he belongs.

"Right, Slippy. Yeah," Falco says, instinctively clutching his stomach and patting the belly tentatively.

Peppy notices this and makes a knowing "o" face at Falco, who misconstrues this as a silent request for more root beer, which he answers with a "we're all out, sorry," gesture, confusing the Hare. Fox doesn't notice the silent conversation taking place between his companions and has turned to face the virtual map, being projected onto the wall. _Whap!_ He slaps the point of the map where a little white dot is blinking. "So here's one of our ships. When the team split up, we each took our own Arwings, right? So here's one of them. I can only hope that Slippy is still inside this one."

"Why do you think it's Slippy?" Peppy turns around to ask this of Fox with a concerned face. "Why don't you think it might be one of our other team members, like Cry—"

"Donotmentionhernameinmypresence!!" Fox suddenly says all at once a bit too quickly, which makes Falco and Peppy look at each other to try and figure out what he had said. "She... and I... are..." he begins to look wildly around the room, hoping for a distraction. "Awkward... couldn't... satisfy... I..." He finally finds one as he utters too much information, and though he leaps for his Arwing to begin the mission before explaining more, the other two already know what's going on.

"I always knew he didn't have it in him," Peppy says, sadly shaking his head before wiping his already-dry mouth on ROB's arm.

"He does! I mean," Falco stops himself from leaping to Fox's defense by looking at the floor. "That girl just doesn't know how to love." He seems satisfied with his cover-up and waddles over to his Arwing. Fox blasts off into the horribly-smelling atmosphere of Zoness, with Falco hurrying to keep up.

"Is he getting bigger?" Peppy wonders aloud after they have left. "So soon..."

______________________________________________________________________________

_The skies of Zoness..._

Falco trails after Fox like a young puppy. "Fox? We should be coming up on that Arwing's signal any minute now. Yep, there it is," remarking upon the loud beeping noise that is the approaching distress signal of an Arwing. "I just wish we knew who it could be!" Apparently, the technology of this world is great enough that they can warp through deep space, but can't identify an individual ship. Despite this, Falco knows full-well that Slippy would not have ever come here, so obviously, it must be Crystal.

"It's obviously Slippy!" yells Fox irritably. "There are no other Arwings."

"What about Cr—?"

"None!!" Fox practically spits with rage. This causes Falco to shake his head and widen his eyes to express his thought, _Whatever went on between those two, I'm not sure I want to know._

_Are you sure you don't want to know? _said a voice, the voice of a siren whose face has been punched in by an enraged bartender. "Waugh! There's only one telepath that I know on this planet... or, ever, for that matter... Crystal!" yells Falco, deliberately saying her name.

"Don't...!! Gyaaaah!" growls Fox, and he lands his Arwing on a pile of rubble and garbage. He opens the top of his ship to leap out and immediately wishes that he hasn't; this pile is where the sewer dumps out. Fox heaves involuntarily and almost passes out from the horrible stench before he is met with an even more horrible visage: Crystal is running happily right toward him! God!

"Hello, Fox," she says, stopping to let him attempt to breathe.

"Don't... come... closer. Gonna... vomit," he moans, leaning against the side of his ship for support. "Thought it was... Slippy," he adds with a glare at Falco's still-flying ship.

"No, just me. Actually, I'm out of fuel and I'm also low on food, so it's a good thing you came by," Crystal adds with a sweet smile. The mention of this alien word, "fuel," bewilders both Fox and Falco.

"What's 'fee-uwl?'" Fox asks amidst nauseated gasps for air.

"What? Anyway, let's get out of here. I'll ride with you, Fox," Crystal says with another smile and a giggle, "if that's okay."

"No, it's not," Fox says. "No... room," he adds, to keep her from being offended or anything. He looks around, trying to think of an excuse. "Listen, I'll get back to the Great Fox and set up a transfer for a new Arwing for you." He exhales audibly, "Wait here," before getting back into his Arwing.

"Oh, okay!" Crystal grins at Fox. "Hey, when you get the chance, I want to talk to you, Fox," she says, and whispers, "alone."

"Yeah, sure," says Fox as he guns the Arwing's engines to life and takes off. "Sure."

"Hey, Crystal! What happened between you and Fox, anyway?" yells Falco from his ship.

Crystal, using her telepathy to show Falco the fateful night when Fox told her that he wanted to take things slow and she got him drunk so that he would finally let her into his pants and then, when they became intimate, he suddenly sobered up and had to run from his own bedroom in horror, showed him immediately exactly what happened between her and Fox. "That," she says, with an obnoxious giggle.

"WHAT THE FUCK," says Falco, almost crashing his Arwing. He manages to regain control over it and, with a backward, disgusted glare at her, rockets back to the Great Fox after his leader.

­­­­"False alarm, Peppy," Fox says as he gets into the pilot's seat. "Let's get the hell out of here."

Peppy, having slept the whole time, accepts this explanation and waves at ROB, who guns the engines to leave Zoness behind.

______________________________________________________________________________

_Corneria_

Andross has gone all the way down the street to that bank with the logo of the bear eating a can of honey, and because it is Sunday, the bank is closed. "New decree!!" he roars unpleasantly, "All banks will remain open, twenty four-seven!" But nobody is within earshot, so the bank remains closed. "Fuck!!" Losing his already worn-thin temper, Andross turns and head-butts the side of the building. This proves to be a bad decision as the building is apparently stronger than he is. He whirls about, clutching his head and moaning the sound a deer makes when it is saying goodbye to its loved ones after being shot. The world is warped and distorted.

"Hey," says a familiar voice, and Andross turns to see who is talking to him. As he looks into the glass of the still-closed bank, he notices a strangely familiar-looking dude with the exact same outfit and wrinkly skin as he! What a coincidence! "What's your name?"

"Why, it's Andross!" cries Andross, pleased to see that at least someone is concerned with his needs.

"Well! _My_ name's Andross!" replies the man in the glass. "What a shocking turn of events!"

_The conversation continues like this in a really boring way, so the readers are hereby spared from such a literary travesty. After a few minutes, though, Andross passes out in front of the bank and is found by his lieutenant, Andrew Oikonny, whose name is probably the most retarded thing I've ever heard, I mean, because it's from Star Fox and you have to wonder why in the hell they would to that to a character with such potential... you know, nephew to Andross and all that. Anyway, Andrew finds him and takes him to Corneria General, where he lies under mediocre medical care. All right, back to the story._

Andross wakes to see a shimmering light. Is it God? Is it an angel? No, it's a fluorescent light fixture mounted on the ceiling. "What the fuck have I been doing?" he grumbles in a slurred tone.

"Un... uncle Andross?" Andrew, worried out of his knickers about the health of his uncle, whose beliefs and philosophies he has taken to be on high, has been at the bedside for the past sixteen hours. But Andross, in his incoherence, which is partly due to his concussion and also partly due to the nova cane and valium and morphine and zataran and other cocktails of heavy sedatives and opiates, sees in his nephew again his reflection as the physical embodiment of his equal.

"And...!!" is all the Andross is capable of saying from his numbed-up lips. Andrew, taking this to be familial love, leans over his uncle with reverence and breaks into a face-shattering smile, which only a mother could love.

_I've thought about you always,_ says Andross, but it comes out, "I hnng mmnd oom mmhmmz." Andrew nods, ecstatic that his uncle is, at last, acknowledging him. _Please,_ he says, _stay with me forever._ "Przz, nnn hmm gmm hnn-nn-nnm."

"Get you a soda?" Andrew says, bewildered, but hesitantly gets up. Andross misconstrues this, in his hazy jungle of a consciousness, as "No, I must go. Please, live on without me..." and sighs miserably as his nephew gets up to find some root beer. Andross sifts back into a dreamless sleep, worried about his love and hopeful that maybe one day he will return.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

So I'm doing an author's note because it was remarked by someone close to me that I never do them and should, because apparently that's required in these fanfiction stories. So here it is: my note to you, the faithful readers from the internet who will never, ever leave my story unread.

Whatever, lol.

I guess all I'm going to say here is that I don't own Starfox or anything. The SNES and the 64 versions were both awesome, and Assault is pretty sweet, too. But Adventures! Fuck, what a shitty, boring game. Nintendo, did you forget what that game was supposed to be? You can't fucking turn Starfox, that badass game with the awesome music and the polygon graphics and the ridiculous voice actors into a Zelda wannabe! Also, Crystal is stupid. Fuck. I'm glad Fox left her on fucking Zoness. Shit!

Anyway, guys, I hope you enjoy reading my story, and it would be awesome for my self-esteem if you guys reviewed just to let me know that you read it. I mean, even if you hated the story, it would be cool if you reviewed it. I mean, you know... just to be cool.

PS: Brad Neely is a badass.


	7. Katina is boring, not a planet

_Katina_

The lush foliage of this place serves as a cover for a military base, which seems to be the sole purpose of Katina despite its precarious location: it is behind an impossible-to circumnavigate asteroid belt, right freaking next to Solaris, and in front of Sector Z. An unpopular locale, indeed, but not to Star Fox. Normally, you'd drop whatever you were doing at the sight of the Great Fox rolling in like a thug might after seeing a SWAT-Team van crash into his living room door and say, "Fuck yes!" but not today.

Rather, as the Great Fox screeches to a halt in the skies above Katina, the soldiers who would normally be for some reason continuously flying around their base like a bunch of really, really, bored hornets are just loafing on the top of that random base tower.

"Bill!" Fox yells unnecessarily loudly into his microphone as he zips his Arwing down to the base.

"Hey there, Fox. The fuck're you guys doin' here?"

"We're looking for Slippy," Fox says as he gets out of his ship to meander over to where Bill is lounging in a rather decorative lawn chair next to the missile launcher. "Have you seen him?"

"Slippy? No way, dude. Like anybody'd come to Katina anymore, anyway."

Fox normally doesn't pry into other peoples' affairs, but Bill is Fox's ex-boyfriend from college, and he knows that Bill wouldn't ever talk about his favorite Katina this way. "All right, Bill, what's the matter? Are you hung over?"

"I'm hung, yes, but not over. They voted a couple years back and declared that Katina isn't a planet anymore. So, nobody comes here and invades anymore. Apparently our 'planet' doesn't command enough gravity or something," Bill blurts, clutching his head in his hands. Fox notes with a condescending _hmph_ that Bill's uniform is dirty. "I mean, fuck! The Aparoids were the last thing we had to _do_ around here."

"Well..." begins Fox, but then Peppy cuts in on the Great Fox's loudspeaker.

"**IT'S QUIET. TOO QUIET."**

Fox, Bill, and some of the generic soldiers look up at the Great Fox in the sky, speechless for a moment, but then continue as if Peppy had said nothing. "Well," Fox tries again, "at least you haven't lost any battles, right?"

"Fox, Fox, Fox! It's not that simple. Even if we never lose, we never got to fight in the first place! Look at where we are: next to a sun, an asteroid field, and an abandoned military base. This isn't exactly a prime target anymore."

Fox is quickly losing interest in this inconsequential dilemma of Bill's. His mind begins to wander, and he wonders what kind of ass he could be pounding right now, and then his mind wanders further into a never-ending stream of non-sequitors. He remembers that Bill is a country boy and is used to living the life of a man who has too much to do and will not get paid enough to do it. He thinks back to why he is looking for Slippy in the first place, and then in a corollary wonders if perhaps he could live out the rest of his days in peace and in love with someone from this planet. _Er, "asteroid,"_ he corrects himself. You can't make those kinds of mistakes anymore these days, Fox. You'll look like a fool.

"So why are you looking for Slippy again?" asks Bill, trying to divert the subject onto something less depressing.

"Oh, we need to remake the team so that we can do... something," Fox says, having forgotten his reason for reforming the team in the first place. "But I don't even know why I thought he'd be here. He hates this place."

"Yeah, that little bitch always complained too much about our planet," Bill nods affirmatively.

"Maybe," Fox starts, suddenly feeling more brazen than before, "maybe I just wanted to come back to some place that was more familiar. Some place... that I could call home." He makes eye contact with Bill, who senses the moment and, mouth agape in surprise at the sudden onset of a romantic mood, says nothing. "Maybe it's time for me to settle down."

"**INCOMING ENEMY FROM THE REAR. DROP ALTITUDE!!" **yells Peppy suddenly, spoiling the mood on the ground below.

"Fox!" Falco yells, having heard the entire conversation and now sensing that this is his moment to strike lest he lose Fox to another. "I could use some help here, Fox! Besides, aren't we going to fight Andross?"

"Holy fucking shit! Andross!!" yells Fox right in Bill's face as the latter had been nearing in the hopes of one of those I'm-going-to-inch-toward-your-face-slowly-and-not-say-anything-because-if-you-let-me-kiss-you-without-asking-it's-more-romantic-or-something kisses, but falls backward onto his ass in surprise as Fox suddenly remembers his purpose: this is no time for reminiscing in past romances! Shit, Fox! Time's almost up! He turns and jumps head-first into his Arwing and hits the auto-pilot to take him back up into the Great Fox so they can continue the mission. "Bye, Bill! Gotta go blow some dude up!!"

"Fox!" yells Bill and, in concordance with popular Japanese colloquialisms, gives a clichéd thumbs-up as Fox zooms back toward the mothership. "I'm glad we're on the same team." It would have been a touching moment if Fox were paying attention.


	8. The Great Leon takes inventory

_Sector G_

The raving dance club is just as Fox left it, only now it's pretty much just Slippy and a few generic homosexuals on the floor, and Wolf is just cleaning up to close. As several dimly-lit bodies on the light-up dance floor grind against each other, Leon trudges in from the back of the club, reading glasses on and carrying a pen. Leon is the accountant and is taking inventory. He asks Wolf a question so boring that it can't be retyped here.

Wolf responds, already so bored that he does not notice what Leon has become.

Just then, the Great Fox zips into view from the huge windows in front of the bar. Wolf squints to make out the ship through his bloodshot eyes and, upon recognizing his rival's mothership, growls a ferocious growl.

A moment later, Fox and Falco stride into the club. They look around, a bit put off by the darkened atmosphere and bright strobe lights on the dancing floor, but soon Fox sees that bartender and walks up to greet him. "Just what I needed to see: Star Wolf."

Wolf glares at Fox and Falco and then at Fox again and begins to clean a glass just so he has something to rub. "You'll be seeing your dad soon, Fox."

"Let's take care of these guys first," says Fox with a confident grin, but Falco doesn't understand what he meant by that, so he just shrugs at Wolf over Fox's shoulder.

"Don't get too cocky, Star Fox!" Wolf smirks.

Behind the bar and Wolf, Leon points his pen at a box of some stock on a shelf and notes to himself, "Andross has ordered us to take you down..." and then makes a note on his clipboard.

Slippy, having noticed some action, breaks away from some disappointed-looking dancing men and joins Fox, Wolf, and Falco. "Don't forget me!" he says suddenly, because he doesn't know what else to say right then.

"Slippy? Is everything okay?" Fox says without registering who he's talking to.

"Yeah, yeah. No problem," Slippy says, and walks back to the dancing floor.

Fox nods confidently at Wolf for a while and leans on the bar with a smirk on his face because he knows that Wolf can't hit him right now: he's on the clock, and if he did, it would be bad customer service. But then he remembers who he just spoke to, and turns to call out to Slippy, but then is interrupted by his rival.

"Can't let you do that, Star Fox!" Wolf says and points a clawed finger at him. Slippy is his best customer, and has been a regular for several months now. But Fox doesn't listen and runs back to catch Slippy. Just as Fox draws near, a larger man wearing an oddly-colored outfit jumps onto the Toad and begins to do some things to him so sexual and so perverted that I can't begin to describe them here.

"Fox! Get the guys to the rear!" yells Falco loudly.

"Fox!! Get the guy behind me!!" yells Slippy, and Fox leaps to his rescue with a powerful punch to the face. Slippy stands up and pulls his pants back on and his shirt out of his ass crack and grins at his new hero. "Thanks, Fox. I thought they had me."

The man gets up, confused and disgruntled, and makes a lunge for Falco, who takes him out with a blaster shot to the weak point. "Go away!" he yells at the invasive man. "I ain't your buddy!!"

"Star Fox, move out!" yells Fox, and the three of them make their way back through the bar to the Great Fox. Wolf glowers at them as they go, but does nothing to stop them from leaving.

_On the Great Fox..._

"Fox! You're okay!" says Peppy unexpectedly, breaking the past five minutes of silence.

"YES! YOU DID IT!!" chimes in Slippy, who for some reason hadn't said anything until he let Peppy break the ice.

"Okay, I'll admit, you did good, Fox," says Falco, munching on some more duck meat.

___________________________________________________________________________

Author's note: Sorry, but I had to do one of those chapters where all the dialogue is directly taken from the games. At the end I had to take one from Assault, but the rest should be from 64. If some of you thought this was a stupid chapter, well... why'd you read the whole thing?

Anyway, hope those of you who actually enjoyed it really did, because it was fun to write.


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